A forum on energy conservation and innovation hosted by the World Wide Fund for Nature is held in Beijing on April 27 (CFP) 

Laughter burst out from time to time as a circle of people listened to Ben Furman, a renowned psychologist from Finland. Though soft-spoken, Furman engaged and animated his audience with witty remarks, concrete examples and practical solutions, while speaking at a hotel in Beijing on April 16.

The audience consisted of educators, psychological consultants and parents—both young and middle-aged—from Beijing and provinces including Hebei, Hubei and even far-flung Yunnan and Guizhou.

They gathered in Beijing to attend a three-day seminar on a solution-focused relationship therapy called Kids' Skills, developed by Dr. Furman and his partner, Finnish sociologist Tapani Ahola.

The therapy was introduced to China in 2013 by Li Hongyan, who emigrated from China to Finland about 20 years ago.

"In the past 30-plus years, the therapy has spread to more than 20 countries in the world and is highly commended by parents and teachers," Li told Beijing Review.

Case-specific approach 

To demonstrate his therapy at the seminar, Furman invited a mother and her 9-year-old daughter to the center of the room to discuss their relationship problem.

After a little small talk, Furman asked about the nature of the issue. The mother said she felt angry because her daughter didn't get on with homework despite constant reminders to do so. The daughter, meanwhile, complained about her mother asking her over and over every day about whether or not she had done her homework.

At Furman's request, the mother and daughter acted out their typical conversation on the issue.

Mother: "When are you going to write your homework?" Daughter: "I know when to." Mother: "It's now 5 p.m. When are you going to start writing?" Daughter: "OK, I know."

The mother said every day she had to continue pressing her daughter to do homework until eventually she would start to around 6 or 7 p.m.

Although the girl often ignored her mother's orders, she admitted that she usually obeyed her father because otherwise he would scold or even beat her.

After listening to their conversation, Furman said to the mother, "Let your daughter suggest an approach (to remind her to do homework)."

The girl began thinking, but could not come up with an answer quickly. While she considered what to say, Furman swiftly sketched a violin on a piece of paper. He folded the paper and handed the card to the mother with one hand, and cupped his mouth with the other hand.

He told the mother, "Give her the card, silently, and see what happens?" Then he asked the girl, "What do you think of giving a card (to remind you it is homework time). Is it helpful?"

Furman said his therapy draws inspiration from Laozi, the ancient Chinese philosopher. "[Now,] you can tell your father, we've found a new way, a Chinese way, Laozi's way—Use the card," Furman told the girl.

Children have ideas on how to solve problems, Furman said, and sometimes those ideas are rather good, so parents should listen to their children, and if one idea does not work, they should try something else.

Furman also illustrated how unconventional methods can boost a child's confidence by giving an example of a child who thinks herself ugly and does not want to attend school. Simply saying "Don't worry, you're not ugly" might not work. But, if a parent puts on a face mask and says "OK, I'll go to school with you," this approach could be quite effective, the psychologist said.

"We're not talking about problems, but [we are talking about] creative ideas. We're not solving problems, but [we are] playing reminding games," Furman told the audience.

"Kids' Skills helps you to develop, in collaboration with the child, playful and fun solutions to the child's problems. The method is based on the idea that the best way for children to overcome problems is to learn skills that will make the problems disappear." Furman said.

Children don't like to talk about problems, but they do like to talk about skills they can learn, he said.

"Kids' Skills is not a parenting or child-raising method. It's a set of guidelines about how to talk with children in a way that inspires them to become interested in solving their own problems," Furman explained.

Furman elaborated on his therapy with further practical examples. For children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who feel reluctant to attend school due to frequent criticism from teachers, a psychological consultant could teach the child to develop an imaginary transparent shield to guard himself against such criticism. The consultant could also explain that the criticism actually conceals a compliment and then help the child to identify that compliment, which would enable the child to handle the teacher's comments.

For very young children who often wet their pants because they have yet to learn how to use the toilet, Furman suggested parents can give the child a puppet and say that the puppet often wets itself because it does not know how to use the toilet. The parent can then help the child to teach the puppet how to use the toilet, and the child will master the skill while playing the game.

Meeting local needs 

While raising her daughter in Finland, Li, a former university teacher in Beijing, wondered about the differences between Chinese and Finnish education.

After her daughter started university, Li returned to China in 2008, where she witnessed how parents would worry about their children's education, while children were often subject to heavy pressures from demanding parents. Subsequently, she decided to introduce the Kids' Skills therapy to China.

Meng Zhen, a 30-something professional in Beijing, who attended Furman's workshop, noted the need for parents to improve their parenting skills.

"Many parents impose their own wishes on their children," Meng told Beijing Review. "Parents set requirements for children using an adult mindset, without realizing that children cannot understand those issues before reaching a certain age," she added.

Meng said that parents are so eager for their children to succeed that they tend to ignore their feelings, which gives rise to a multitude of problems.

Sadly, such problems sometimes end in tragedy. Earlier this year, the Anhui-based Xin'an Evening News reported that on February 29, a 10-year-old girl in Hefei, capital city of Anhui Province, committed suicide by jumping from the 10th floor of her apartment building. In a letter she left behind, she said she had killed herself because her grades were not as good as expected.

Similar suicide attempts make headlines from time to time. On May 3, an 11-year-old boy in Cixi, Zhejiang Province, reportedly jumped from his third-floor classroom after his mother, who was talking with the boy's teacher, scolded the child for not doing his homework well. The boy suffered from bone fractures.

Children reaching adolescence often become more rebellious and self-conscious, and overly strict requirements from parents and teachers can put them under too much pressure and can lead to such tragedies, said Ye Shangzhi, a psychological counselor.

Research shows that many children experience psychological problems. A report released by the China National Children's Center in 2010 estimated that at least 30 million children under 17 years old suffered from various emotional disorders and behavioral problems, while 5.2 percent of children in the age range had obvious mental health problems such as depression.

Nowadays, many parents are seeking to improve their parenting skills. Realizing the social demand for psychological counseling, Meng began to study counseling in her spare time one year ago. She now offers parenting advice via a public WeChat account, which has attracted nearly 500 followers to date. Every month, she gives lectures on parenting skills.

Zhang Liying, an investor in a branch of a chain of early-childhood education centers, also attended Furman's seminar. She said educators should also care about children's emotional well-being, and she would like to pass on what she learned in the workshop to parents and teachers.

Zhao Boan, the founder of parent-child activity website Dashuqinzi.com, said that Furman's humorous and playful way of interacting with children can reduce tension between parents and children and make children happier.

Liu Feng, a teacher at the Zhongguancun No.1 Primary School in Beijing, said she has taught her students and their parents Furman's Kids' Skills, and it has been well-received by parents, who have provided positive feedback on the therapy.

In recent years, China's educational authorities have begun to attach importance to psychological counseling. In 2012, the Ministry of Education issued guidelines on psychological health education in primary and middle schools, requiring such schools to set up psychological counseling rooms. In August 2015, the ministry published standards stipulating that such rooms should be staffed with at least one psychological counselor, whose responsibility is not only to counsel students and teachers but also to advise parents on parenting methods.

Copyedited by Chris Surtees

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