THE ONLY ONE: Many urban households in China have only one child under the family planning policy (CFP)

For six years, every time the neighbors asked Zhang Yi where her son was, Zhang would force a smile and say her son was abroad.

But Zhang knows her son will never come back as he died of a heart attack at the age of 23. After his death, Zhang cut all her connections to her co-workers and friends and moved from Beijing's downtown to the suburbs with her husband.

"Nobody knew us in this new community, and we hoped it would help," Zhang said. She spent most of her time indoors trying to come to terms with her loss, but found the new living environment wasn't as helpful as thought. Her hair quickly turned gray and she refused to talk to anybody, even her relatives.

"I lost my only son," Zhang said. "I believed that I must be the most unfortunate person in the world."

A wakeup call

Things changed in 2009, when the Zhanlanlu Community, Zhang's former neighborhood in Beijing's Xicheng District, held an activity for parents who had lost children.

It was a trip to the suburbs, which proved largely unsuccessful. "More than 20 people participated but nobody was happy and willing to talk. The atmosphere was silent and miserable," Zhang said.

Despite this setback, the community decided to proceed with the project they named New Hope Home.

"We actually started these activities in 2004," said Gao Hongyan, an official from the community. "At first we just wanted to hold some get-togethers for parents who lost their children, but gradually we found out the group was large and most of them still live in great sorrow even after more than 20 years. We finally decided to initiate this as a formal project."

The community then designated a room in the office for parents with similar experiences to communicate.

According to Gao, the project initially had 84 participants from 57 households, but few of them were willing to attend meetings.

Zhang initially refused to go there because she saw no benefits from such meetings. "I didn't think other people could really understand our feelings," said Zhang, who finally accepted the invitation because "community workers never gave up trying to persuade me to go."

When Zhang arrived, she said, there were less than five people there and the atmosphere was awkward. People either kept silent or started to cry as soon as they began telling their stories.

Despite this, Zhang's first visit made her feel less lonely. She visited again and began to make friends. Gradually she began to visit more and more often.

Li Ru, whose 17-year-old son died in a fire accident, used to be Zhang's neighbor, but they didn't know each other until they met in the New Hope Home.

Li couldn't forget the night when she permitted her son to stay over at a classmate's home, where a fire broke out at midnight and killed her son. Since then, she never stopped blaming herself for this "unforgivable mistake."

"I haven't smiled at all after my son's death," Li said. "My eyes are always filled with tears and I struggle to have a normal conversation."

Tian Jing's situation is different. She barely knew her daughter. In 1988, the then 30-year-old Tian gave birth to a daughter, but seven days after the birth, the girl died following a medical accident. After that Tian was unable to get pregnant and her husband divorced her.

"Each of us, before coming here, regarded ourselves as the most unfortunate person in the world," Zhang said. "But here we realize there are others like us. We are all afraid of festivals and holidays and listening to other people talking about their children. In the eyes of other people we are just the objects of sympathy."

Group communication

According to Gao, people participating in activities of the New Hope Home are mostly from the first group of parents subjected to the "one-child" policy.

Formulated in the late 1970s to curb population explosion, China's family planning policy encourages late marriage and late childbearing, and limits most urban couples to one child and most rural couples to two. The policy is therefore often referred to as the "one-child policy" among urbanities.